


if we only die once, i wanna die with you

by wintersend



Series: rebelcaptain week [4]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Minor Injuries, is it pre-relationship or established relationship the heck if i know, not that minor but nobody's in life threatening condition anymore, probably established but you can read it however you want to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 09:25:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18466117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersend/pseuds/wintersend
Summary: After Jyn is injured on a mission, they have a discussion about her decision to risk her life for Cassian.





	if we only die once, i wanna die with you

**Author's Note:**

> this is _loosely_ for the prompt **"mirror"** for Rebelcaptain week, day 6

Cassian didn’t particularly like it but he’d thought he had accepted long ago that Jyn would willingly put herself in harm’s way for him. After all, they were equals, in this too, like in all else. He couldn’t ask her not to, it’d be hypocrisy of him, and anyway, he’d tried and she didn’t listen. That was the thing about Jyn, she never listened when she found it inconvenient. They were partners, she said, and partners had each other’s back. Cassian couldn’t disagree.

But this was different.

This time, her intent to save him had almost cost Jyn her life, and Cassian found there was a limit to his understanding. Jyn wasn’t too impressed by that.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” she said, arms crossed as she leaned back against her pillow in her standard med-bay gown. She was okay _now_ , for the most part, but… she wasn’t okay a week ago. There were a couple of days of critical condition when he wasn’t sure if she’d pull through. He didn’t want to think about that. “It was a calculated risk.”

“The hell it was.”

“Fine. It wasn’t,” she said, still nonchalant about the whole thing. She had pushed him out of the way of a blaster bolt on a mission gone south and he watched her fall unconscious, bleeding from the shot she’d taken to her abdomen. He felt anything _but_ nonchalant. “But it was a risk I chose to take and I’d do it again. It worked out fine.”

“Fine? This is fine?” he echoed incredulously, struggling to keep his voice down, and not really wanting to. He didn’t give a damn about anyone who might overhear them right now. How Jyn managed to break through his composure with so little was beyond him. He figured the dam had broken when he made the choice to bare his pain on Eadu, and he’d been fighting to keep it all bottled up where Jyn was concerned ever since. He caught himself slipping too often.

Jyn jerked her shoulder. (Her left one, he noted with a sick feeling in his stomach. The wound was on her right side and she was careful to shift her weight to the other side and not make any sudden movements.) “I’m injured but you’re alive. Or I could have been uninjured but you would be dead. Do the math. You know, I would never yell at you for saving my life.”

She said it like it was all very clear-cut and logical, but she wasn’t the one keeping vigil over her unconscious body for days, praying for her recovery to whatever deity was listening. _Just this once,_ he’d prayed, _just now, grant me this one thing, let me be selfish. Don’t let me lose her._

“This isn’t a joke, Jyn,” Cassian said, ignoring her last comment which he knew for a fact to be untrue. Oh, she would be pissed in his place as well, she would be livid. But that wasn’t his main concern. _You were almost dead too,_ he wanted to say, but even now, it felt wrong to think it.

“And I don’t think it is. Believe me,” she shifted and pressed a hand to her side, wincing in mild discomfort, “I know it isn’t. But it was my risk, Cassian, my choice.” She searched his gaze for any ounce of understanding, any scrap of acceptance. “You can’t take that away from me.”

Cassian gave a frustrated sigh and looked away. Her gaze was too serious, too honest, too much. She was asking him to understand but the fear of losing her imprinted on his brain and it was greater than anything.

 _Isn’t that why she did what she did?_ a traitorous little voice whispered in his mind. _To save you, to save herself the pain, because she couldn’t bear to lose you._

They were not so different after all, never had been.

He didn’t say anything.

“You can’t give me a home and expect me not to defend it,” Jyn continued firmly. There was a small quiver in her voice when she said, “You can’t take it away from me.”

What she meant was him; he couldn’t leave her like everyone else, he couldn’t tear away the home they’d found in each other.

He understood. He would do the same.

And it didn’t matter. He couldn’t pretend he was okay with it, that he didn’t wish she’d rather save herself than him. The fact was that they both knew they would put each other before anything, but it didn’t feel real until now.

When he remained silent and unresponsive, Jyn blew out a heavy exhale and turned away. “Forget it. You don’t get it.”

But he did. That was the problem.

“I do.”

Cassian approached her bed, watching as she looked back at him in surprise. He sat down slowly and let her take his hand, allowed her touch to soothe some of the primal fear inside him. She inhaled shakily and stared at their hands, a lock of hair falling over her eyes. He wanted to reach out with his free hand and brush it away, tuck it behind her ear, tilt her chin up, have her smile at him, see her eyes sparkle with warmth. He wanted… so much.

“It was instincts. That shot was going to kill you and I couldn’t let that happen, I couldn’t watch it happen. And I won’t in the future either.” She lifted her head, a fire in in her eyes. Her resolve never wavered. “If you can’t handle that, I’m sorry but that’s your problem. And if this is going to be an issue… just say so now. Because I don’t think we can work together.”

Perhaps there was something to be said for that. They made a great team, undoubtedly, but he wondered if in the field, their loyalty to each other hindered them more than helped them.

Jyn always knew what he was thinking by just a look, and he trusted her with his life. They worked well together, they were efficient, they countered each other’s weaknesses, and supplemented their strengths. Those were all benefits. He also knew she could take care of herself and he was confident in her abilities. Rationally, he didn’t have to worry about her because Jyn was the strongest person he knew. But there was nothing rational about the way he felt for her. And sometimes, that was their biggest disadvantage.

“Fine.” He took a moment to gather his thoughts and Jyn raised her eyebrows, expectant. Slowly feeling his way through this minefield, he said, “I’ll accept that you’d risk your life for me... if you accept that I’m always going to be upset that you got hurt.” Jyn opened her mouth but Cassian continued. “And that I’m going to risk my life for you too. No negotiations.”

She let out a begrudging sigh. “Fine. Deal.” Jokingly, she said, “Should we shake on it?”

Cassian gave a fond shake of his head, feeling his lips quirking up at the corners. Jyn smiled in response.

“Maybe this is a good thing. It might inspire us to be less reckless.”

“You, maybe,” he said, half-joking, half-serious. “I’m never reckless.”

Jyn grinned for a second before her smile melted into something softer but warmer. “Hey. I’m glad you’re okay.”

Which was a ridiculous thing to say because _she_ was the one lying in the med-bay but he knew what she was saying. _Better me injured than you dead,_ she’d essentially said to him, and he knew she meant it.

Cassian sighed. “I’m _not_ glad you’re not. But... I guess I’m glad I’m not dead too.”

Jyn beckoned him closer and she let out a contented sigh when he obeyed and wrapped his arms around her. She pressed her cheek against his shoulder, mumbling into the fabric of his shirt.

“Let’s not do this to each other again.”

“Sounds good to me,” Cassian whispered, holding her tighter.

No, he didn’t like it. But they were partners and he would learn to live with it.

**Author's Note:**

> I think I make a reference to them being equals in almost every fic I write... can you tell it's very important to me?


End file.
